April First

April 1st, 20XX
Guy: Heh heh, I have to tell you something. I'm gay.
Girl: Oh, i've known for a while now. I mean, it explains everything about you and your mannerisms. It's very obvious.
Guy: Wait, you don't get it. It was a joke.
Girl: No, I do understand. It's the reason i've let you get intimate with me, because I know nothing would come of it. Ever.
Guy: *sniffle* you don't understand...
Girl: APRIL FOOLS!

Video Games

Girl: Can't we as a society make a decent video game for once?
Girl: You know, one that isn't about killing the other guy, or getting to the next arbitrary goal, or collecting useless points, stars, coins, and money? One where you don't spend all your time leveling up or learning stupid spells or upgrading your weapons?
Guy: Yeah those are called movies.

Checklist

Guy: And after I gave the latte to my friend, the girl I was telling you about comes-
Girl: Cute: [check]
Intellectual: [check]
Sense of humor [check]
Guy: My dad is giving me an internship at his company, but he thinks I use too-
Girl: Rich in 10 years: [check]
Quirky in a loveable way: [check]
Guy: But for now i'm just trying to buckle down and study to get m-
Girl: Gonna make all my friends jealous: [X]
Hmm. I guess he really just isn't my type

MGMT

Girl: So I was listening to MGMT the other day-
Guy: OH MAN EVERYONE LIKES MGMT
...
Girl: So can I keep talking or were you gonna say something after that?
Guy: Err..no, not really... I was just... you, know, lettin' you know I guess.

Secrets

Girl: I want us to be open with each other. It'll strengthen our relationship
Guy: Alright, i'll be open
Girl: No! We have to prove it!
Girl: We have to tell each other secrets about ourselves. To show my dedication i'll go first. Alright...I drool, I hate clipping fingernails, I want to adopt an interracial baby, I hate Stanley Kubrick, I hate mexican food, I have restless legs syndrome, and I want to pick out your clothes. Also, I like living with my parents.
Girl: Whew! I think this is working!
Guy: THIS ISNT WORKING

Wrong Pronunciation

Guy: Yeah, and after they diagnosed my sister with schizophrenia they had to take her to a mental hospital where they give her electroshock therapy every month.
Girl: Oh my god...
Guy: Yeah, I know it's hard to believe, but my family is coping alright
Girl: No, you just pronounced schizophrenia as SHITZ-ophrenia

Awkward Turtle

Girl: Guys are all just self-absorbed assholes, y'know? It's like, why even have courtship or intellect anymore, if all guys want to do is piss their semen into me?
Guy: Fuck...okay, don't panic...just use a joke to lighten the situation.
Guy: Well I think you're ... mastur...GREAT!

Technology

Girl: And my parents called when they he-
*beep beep*
Guy: Oh I just got a text. I should probably check it out.
Guy: AW MAN. Shaq just sent a new twitter message. I better retweet this to my friends.
Girl: Well if you're busy doing that I might as well call my mom in the meantime.
TECHNOLOGY
Connecting people together since 1995!

Cop a Feel

Guy: I have to tell you something. I want you to go out with me.
Girl: What? I like you and all, but I think you're taking things a bit too fast.
Guy: But what about the time your thumb touched mine when you gave me your study notes, or the time your shoulder brushed against mine in our science lecture?
Girl: THOSE WERE ACCIDENTS!
Guy: Well you've got to stop sending me mixed messages.